It’s been 14 years since I was first diagnosed with cancer, and because nothing is ever wasted in God’s hands, I continue to learn from my cancer journey. I’m reminded of the podcast we did last year titled, Gifts From Cancer, and the “gift” that is on my mind now, is how cancer has been a catalyst to grow my faith and help me relinquish my illusion of control.
To be candid, I never thought about the possibility of getting cancer before it happened. I was young – only 41, and nothing about my lifestyle even put me at risk . I was physically fit, running 3-5 miles several times a week, and I also biked regularly. I ate a healthy diet and didn’t have any cancer contributing “habits”.
I had noticed a lump several months prior but had done the right thing by going to the doctor immediately. They had confirmed it was just a cyst, but as time went on, I began to feel that things just didn’t seem right physically. It was when I scheduled the removal of that cyst that my diagnosis came. Needless to say, I was completely shocked when I learned I had Stage 3 cancer.
Responding to a Cancer Diagnosis
As cancer upended my “normal” life, as such a diagnosis always does, I recall briefly thinking about the “uselessness” of all my “good behavior”. Of course, with the frenzy of testing, doctor appointments and beginning treatment, I didn’t have (or take) the time to reflect more deeply on such thoughts. It also helped that all my testing reinforced that my cancer stemmed from genetics.
For those who have experienced cancer, you know it’s not uncommon for people to seemingly come out the woodwork to suggest things you “should” or “should not” do to ensure a positive outcome. I understand that this can feel challenging, even uncomfortable, at times, but I always knew people meant well, and their suggestions stemmed from a caring heart. Still, it made me want to understand why their kindly-offered ideas for fighting cancer could create discomfort.
Before I continue, let me say that there are many ways to fight the disease of cancer, and the Lord leads His children in different directions. That mean the various forms of treatment aren’t necessarily right or wrong, just different. And based upon the diagnosis, some may not choose or even have the option to treat their cancer. No, my discomfort wasn’t around ideas for fighting cancer that were different from the path I had chosen. It was a discomfort around the temptation to believe I had control over the outcome of my cancer journey.
Who’s In Control?
While we are assured multiple times in Scripture that God will lead us along the best paths for our life, as we follow Him (Psalm 32:8, Isaiah 58:11), He also gives us free will to choose how we will respond to what He allows along that path. I don’t know about you, but I like to feel a sense of control. My personality is one that does not enjoy chaos and unknowns. And boy, cancer is rife with chaos and unknowns, isn’t it?!
Before my diagnosis, I wasn’t consciously trying to prevent cancer by my lifestyle choices – they were just simply “healthy”. My desire to control an outcome reared its head after my treatment.
I started juicing. Sounds harmless enough, right? You might be thinking, “What made this healthy habit different from all you were doing before cancer?” The answer….my motivations. But it took someone challenging about why I was doing it for me to even recognize that it had become a way in which I was trying to control an outcome – namely, not getting cancer again.
I’ve come to recognize that sometimes what looks OK on the outside may be motivated by reasons on the inside that stem from fear. At that time, I didn’t necessarily feel or recognize fear in myself, but the Lord showed me that my juicing was indeed motivated by my fear of cancer returning. In short, my juicing represented putting my trust in myself vs. trusting God. Ouch.
Scripture has always been active and alive in me, yet as I faced this tension between my faith and fear, I had to ask myself, “Am I living what I say I believe about God’s character and sovereignty?”
God helped me resolve the tension then, and He continues to free me from my illusion of control, teaching me how to entrust every detail of my life to the One Who IS always in control. In full transparency, these lessons most often come through other difficult circumstances, but I can say that learning to find my peace in His Presence, is far better than my own striving for control.
The Best Exchange
How is your life reflecting what you say you believe? Are there areas in which you are trying to exercise control, because somewhere deep inside you’re not sure you can trust God with the outcome?
We always have a choice. Will we accept everything God allows to touch our lives – even something like cancer, that is unwanted and hard to immediately see how He may use it for good? Or will we play God and try to control it, or worse, lose trust in God all together?
He continually invites us into His Presence; to cast our cares (and control issues) at His feet. And in exchange, He promises to reveal the path of life to us (even if that path includes cancer), give us fullness of joy, and pleasures forevermore (Psalm 16:11). What an amazing gift! I plan to keep accepting it….I pray you do too.
