How do you respond when you find yourself in a new season of life where your purpose seems to have shifted? I’m there, now, in this season called “empty nesting.” And in it, I find I’m struggling to find my purpose and identity since my two girls have left our home and this “season” of parenting has come to an end.
I wanted to be a dad ever since I can remember. I grew up with a father who was attentive, present, invested, encouraging and who helped shape me into the man I am today. Growing up in that environment, I couldn’t wait to one day have children of my own. When my wife and I found out we were pregnant, I was ecstatic! I knew that being a great parent – being a great father – was not something that just “happened.” So, I immediately started reading books, going to parenting classes and seminars with my wife, and looking for those ahead of me from whom I could glean wisdom, to help guide and shape my journey as a parent. My point is, I poured my heart, my soul, my life into being a dad. And for 18+ years, my wife and I had the honor and privilege of parenting two of the most amazing daughters we could’ve ever asked for. And then…they graduated high school, went away to college and all of that seemed to change.
Is Different Still Good?
I know my parenting days are far from over, and I know this new season will be filled with great joy as well. But it’s different. It’s not the same. There’s a definite change in the rhythm of life to which we were accustomed. I don’t see them every day. I don’t get to talk with them and pray with them and over them each night. I don’t wake up and see them getting ready in the morning, hear their hair dryers, their voices, their laughter; I don’t hear them practicing their piano or guitar every day. I’m not taking them to tennis matches or dance competitions, school dances or church. The regular, consistent conversations about life and the quality time we shared for those first 18+ years has all changed.
I knew this day would come, but I don’t know that I REALLY knew it was coming as fast as it did. I don’t know that I truly prepared my heart for this transition. And it’s been hard. It’s been lonely. There are many days and nights that my wife and I cry just thinking about them, wondering how their day is going, hoping and praying they’re safe, that they’re making wise decisions; wishing we could have another minute with them here in our home.
Learning to Let Go and Trust God More
I know, I know. It sounds so depressing. To be honest, it is. When you’ve poured your life into someone and then they “leave,” it’s tough. And when you have been accustomed to being the main voice in their life, and now have to allow other voices, other influences into their lives, it’s hard. There’s a definite mourning that is taking place. All while trying to be excited for them in this new chapter of their lives. We must choose to let them go. We must choose to allow them to “breathe” and to be on their own; to make decisions and choices on their own. We have to relinquish more and more of them to the Lord, trusting that ultimately HE is in control; He has them in the palm of His hand.
We’re working through it. God has been gracious and compassionate with us. We do still talk with our girls. We do see them from time to time (like when they need money or laundry done :-). And we are thankful for technology that allows for more interaction than I was able to do with my parents at this stage in life.
Still, we know this is the natural path for our girls – for them to begin to flourish outside of our home, outside of our direct oversight and care. We know we have to trust that we have poured everything we’ve got, everything that the Lord has given us, into them. They’ve always been in God’s hands, but now is the time where that is more real than ever before. Now is when we must put an even greater faith and trust in the truth that He is leading them; He is speaking to them; He is guiding them and has great plans for them both. Not that our work is done, but we must now celebrate the young women they have become and encourage them to chase their dreams; following God’s calling on their lives. And that…that is a beautiful thing to watch.
God’s Purposes Prevail
But let’s be honest…this is not an easy season. Yet with this change comes opportunity for a new season and new chapter in our lives. The book on the first stages of parenting is over. It was a great book. But there are other books to be written; other adventures to be had. It’s time to hear from the Lord once again and to be given a new vision, a new purpose for how we’re to spend our time on this earth. And that is both scary and exciting.
So, hang in there my fellow empty nesters. This difficulty, this challenge; the sadness, the loneliness, the change…this too shall pass. Greater days are ahead. God’s not done with us yet!
